


Darkest Part of Me

by Scorpio71



Category: The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, BDSM themes, M/M, heavily implied PTSD and MPD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 19:03:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1576202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scorpio71/pseuds/Scorpio71
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mission by mission, Carlos is losing more of himself to the violence and rage that is Cougar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkest Part of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Pottymouth language, BDSM themes, angst, heavily implied PTSD and MPD  
> DISCLAIMER: Diggle and Jock, DC/Vertigo and Dark Castle. Title taken from the lyrics of “Animal I Have Become” by Three Days Grace.

Sometimes Cougar needs to just stop thinking and remembering and just…feel. There are times when he wants mindless pleasure and times when he needs penance. Mostly, he just needs time to be Carlos and not Cougar.

Cougar is a cold hearted killer that is constantly calculating trajectories and wind speed. He sees the world as a never-ending series of sniper blinds, cover, and open spaces. That world is, more than anything else; a target rich environment and he doesn’t always need a scope to see crosshairs in his vision.

It’s difficult to be Cougar…or perhaps, it’s all too easy.

Then Cougar’s targets visit him in his dreams. So do the people he couldn’t save. Sometimes in his dreams he can’t put down his rifle because it’s fused to his hands. Other times, he was the rifle.

So he needs to purge those thoughts and the growing urge to kill and kill and kill.

He needs help though. He can no longer leave Cougar behind and become Carlos again without outside help. He needs someone to pull him out of Cougar’s mind and help him turn on Carlos’ emotions so he can feel normal feelings again.

At first he turned to Clay.

*

Cougar sidled up to Clay’s desk and twitched his fingers, which for him was the equivalent of screaming look at me. Clay ignored him and kept at his paperwork, so Cougar reached up with one hand and tipped his hat up to expose his face. Clay sighed and looked up.

“Yeah, Cougs?”

Cougar grimaced and turned his head away slightly, a blush rising up on his cheeks. Clay chuckled and then smirked. 

“C’mon, Cougar. It can’t be that bad.”

Cougar twitched again, sighed softly, and then said, “S’ personal.”

Clay’s smirk faded even as he nodded.

“Shut the door and have a seat.”

Cougar kicked back with one foot and shut the door. Instead of sitting in one of the chairs in front of Clay’s desk, he began to pace the office. Back and forth, back and forth.

“Sergeant!”

Courgar’s head snapped around to stare at Clay. Instinctively his eyes focused past Clay’s skin and skull to that one perfect sweet spot deep inside his brain. Medulla oblongata: instant kill shot. Clay was trained enough to feel it when he was targeted, so he shifted in his chair, distinctly uncomfortable. Cougar blinked to break the intensity of the moment and Clay settled back again.

“Well?”

Cougar sighed and shrugged.

“I…I need to shed Cougar. Just for a while. I…need to be Carlos again.”

Clay stared at him, a frown turning down his lips. The silence stretched out between them uncomfortably. Finally Clay sighed.

“Cougar…are you telling me that you want out of the Army?”

Cougar shook his head sharply once.

“Okay.”

Clay considered for a moment.

“Are you asking to visit the psyche docs?”

Cougar snorted in derision and Clay chuckled. Army headshrinkers weren’t people anyone actually _wanted_ to see.

“Then what the hell is it you want, Cougs? ‘Cause I have no clue.”

Cougar scowled. How could he explain when he barely understood himself?

“I…I need to _feel_. I need time away from being Sergeant Cougar Alvarez.” He glanced away again. “I need someone to show me how to be Carlos again because I can’t remember.”

A long moment stretched out with Clay giving him a look that was half pity and half fear. No one wanted a sniper to snap the bounds of sanity and Cougar had just admitted to riding that line.

Standing suddenly, Clay nodded decisively.

“Let’s get the team. We’ll hit a couple of bars. You’ll get drunk, get in a fight and pick up a hot woman for the night. You’ll feel better and we won’t have to send you off to the bughouse.”

*

The whole team had a good time that night, even Cougar, but it had been less than helpful with his need to escape his own thoughts.

Clay didn’t understand and Cougar didn’t have the words to explain. In a weird way, he didn’t know if he would explain even if he could. If Clay couldn’t recognize the need to be outside yourself for a while then Cougar figured it meant the man was, despite appearances, more psychologically stable than Cougar. It wouldn’t be right to drag the man down into Cougar’s growing insanity, so he mentally crossed Clay off of his list of people who might help.

Instead, Cougar turned to Roque.

*

Roque’s eyes were narrowed suspiciously as he glared at Cougar.

“What the fuck do you mean, you need to _feel_?”

Cougar wanted to look away, but you didn’t take your eyes off a man like Roque so he just dipped his hat down and peered out from under the brim.

“Pain…pleasure. The physical will help release the…emotional.”

Roque paused a moment to consider that and then he snarled viciously, his lip pulled back to show too sharp gleaming white teeth. His hands curled into fists over and over again. His eyes, however, were haunted.

Cougar _yearned_ for all that rage and violence to be unleashed on him and for one crazy moment he was tempted to punch Roque in the face just to guarantee it.

“Let me make sure I got this right…” Roque growled, “You want me to hurt you? To…what? Punish you?”

The moment stretched out, the tension between them practically vibrating with barely suppressed violence.

“Si.”

Roque’s eyes widened for an instant as if he didn’t believe Cougar had been serious. Then they narrowed with a horrible sort of hunger as he ogled Cougar up and down like a side of meat. Cougar responded to that look in the reptile part of his brain and grinned with anticipation.

Then Roque snarled, spun around, and punched his fist through the wall. With a wordless yell, he yanked it back out again and spun back around to face Cougar.

“You motherfucking fuck!”

Cougar’s eyes narrowed in a mix of irritation and mild concern. He knew that things weren’t going to go like he’d hoped. He tried not to sulk like a child as Roque breathed in deep to try and calm himself.

Cougar twitched, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Roque glanced up at him and scowled, his eyes still haunted.

“That means no, you dumbass motherfucker.” He shook his head, “Go see fucking Jensen.”

Cougar blinked at the advice and then snorted. Jensen? The Red Bull addicted motormouth kid? Thanks, but no thanks. Cougar was not dumping his darkness at a child’s feet.

After a moment, he turned to leave. He paused at the door and spoke without looking back.

“Why?”

There was a profound silence behind him and he didn’t think Roque would answer, but finally he grated out, “Because I can’t trust myself to fucking stop.”

Sadly, that was a fear Cougar understood all too well. In fact, he felt the same way far too often for comfort.

*

Pooch…Madre de Dios. 

_Pooch._

The man had responded to Cougar’s plea with an earnest compassion that was nearly painful. He really was a good man and Cougar could see why Jolene was head over heels for him.

Pooch had hustled him onto a close by bench and then plopped down next to him. He shifted a bit to bump their shoulders together and looked at Cougar with a friendly grin and dark eyes that were too old and wise for his face.

“Anything man, you know that. Anything you need.”

Cougar arched an eyebrow up and tilted his head. Pooch’s too wise eyes softened a bit.

“You need to talk? The Pooch will listen. You need to spar? The Pooch will swing back. You need a shoulder to cry on? The Pooch has got two just waiting.”

Cougar felt his muscles unwind a bit and shifted to gently bump shoulders with Pooch in silent thanks. He had known all that, but it was nice to hear it.

“And if you need…more than that? Well…the Pooch can do that too.”

Cougar fell a tiny bit in love with Pooch for saying that because Cougar knew he meant it. His offer was truly sincere even though his grin was frozen, his eyes were stricken and he was fiddling with the wedding ring he wore on a chain around his neck. Pooch would willingly break his own heart and the vows that meant more to him than his own life, just to help out Cougar. 

For one wild and desperate moment, Cougar was incredibly tempted to ask. Pooch could fix him. He could keep Cougar from tripping over into complete darkness and insanity. It would just break him to do so and possible destroy his marriage…because Jolene would never understand.

In the end, Cougar didn’t push. It was enough to know that Pooch was willing…for now anyway. Instead Cougar just nodded and looked away.

“We should see if there’s anywhere to rent horses.”

Pooch blinked and turned such a confused look on him it was almost comical.

“Horses? What the hell are you talking about, Cougs?”

Cougar grinned and bumped their shoulders together again.

“I’ll teach you to ride.”

Pooch’s smile of delight was like the sun coming out.

*

Now here he was, several weeks later and trying not to claw his way out of his own skin. Something had to give and Cougar was afraid it would be what was left of his fleeting sanity.

Oh, there had been a little bit of pressure released from inside by asking for help. Clay’s theory that if you threw enough booze and batshit crazy women at a problem then it would go away hadn’t worked, even if it had been fun. It also explained Clay’s slow descent into alcoholism. Roque was still keeping a sharp eye on him like he was an IED waiting to go off and he would occasionally hiss quietly that Cougar should talk to Jensen. He’d pushed that off again and again, not wanting to drag the younger and much more innocent man into Cougar’s darkness. Instead, he and Pooch had found a ranch that rented out horses for the day and they had gone riding a few times. That had helped the most. He’d grown up on a horse ranch and for a brief time he’d felt like Carlos again.

The first time Pooch had gotten onto a horse had left Cougar chuckling with hilarity. The big mare had known the trails well and had sauntered off without any guidance from Pooch leaving the man to grasp at the reigns ineffectively while yelping about the steering being busted and where the fuck were the damn brakes? 

Then they had another mission in the sandbox that had gone from bad to worse and he was trapped inside Cougar once again. He wanted to drag Pooch off to the ranch and just ride until the sun set, but the man had two busted ribs and was knitting a bullet hole through one shoulder. He was in no shape to climb up on a horse and let it spend hours jostling him around.

Going out to the firing range only reinforced sniper thought patterns. Hitting the bar for cheap booze and cheaper women only delayed or blurred those thoughts. Nothing helped. And when he found himself sitting in a tree calculating the trajectory needed to blow the top of the General’s skull off when he left his office, Cougar knew he needed to do something. 

Anything.

So here he was, several weeks later and finally taking the advice Roque gave him so long ago. Bracing himself for hours of senseless babbling and video games, Cougar knocked on Jensen’s door.

After a brief pause Jensen’s voice came through the door, “Enter at your own risk”, so Cougar turned the knob and stepped in.

Jensen was typing away on one of his laptops. Cougar could tell he was writing code for some program or another and not hacking or playing just with a glance. Jensen preferred to hack in boxers and his tricorn pirate hat. Cougar didn’t know why and was a little leery of asking. Loud obnoxious tee-shirts were the uniform of choice when he was gaming. This was usually accompanied by loud obnoxious comments hurled at the screen and the other online players.

However, Jensen wrote code in more somber clothes. Today’s fare was an old pair of BDU’s cut down into shorts and a sleeveless black tee-shirt with his dogtags dangling against his chest. Cougar could only guess from the outfit that Jensen was writing a more military based program than a civilian one. Then Jensen glanced up at him and flashed a beaming smile.

“Hey! It’s the Cat in the Hat!” One hand left the keyboard briefly to gesture to Jensen’s bed. “G’wan and pop a squat. Let me finish this thought.”

Just like that, Jensen’s attention was back on the laptop. Cougar wasn’t offended. He knew how Jensen got and that if he didn’t get the code in his head typed up right away, it would vanish and be gone forever. With a soft grunt of acknowledgment, Cougar sat down on Jensen’s bed and waited.

After ten minutes, Cougar rolled his eyes and leaned over to pull Jensen’s gun cleaning kit out from under the bed. Shifting around, he curled up on one end of the bed and opened the kit. Pulling his sidearm, he began to methodically break it down and clean all the parts.

It was usually a fairly pleasant way to spend the afternoon and he and Jensen had hung out this way plenty of times before. Most of the times they’ve done this, Cougar had relaxed into the familiar motions, enjoying the peace it brought him and letting the stream of soft murmurs falling from Jensen’s lips form a sort of white noise background. Cougar figured that his subconscious recognized he was home and safe and let him relax. 

That wasn’t happening this time.

Instead, he was still tense, his whole being on high alert. He yearned for violence and death with a dark hunger. He wanted to watch the thoughts in his mind explode into reality with screaming fury. He wanted to take his gun and press it to the back of Jensen’s skull until the man stopped IGNORING him.

Growling softly under his breath, Cougar glared at the back of Jensen’s head. Slowly, Jensen’s shoulders began to tense and his typing slowed down.

“Stop staring at my apricot, dammit. It’s fucking creepy.”

Cougar chuckled. It wasn’t a nice sound. Jensen turned his head to smirk over his shoulder, a wicked gleam in his eyes.

“Five minutes. Disarm yourself, motherfucker. We’ll rock empty handed.”

Cougar smirked back even as he rolled his eyes. Still, he stood up and disarmed; two guns and three knives got piled up by Jensen’s cleaning kit. After a moment of thought, he also took off his hat and dropped it on top. Then he tilted his head from side to side to crack his neck and shrugged his shoulders hard several times to loosen his muscles. Open-handed sparing with Jensen was no easy thing. The man had half a foot of height and nearly sixty pounds on Cougar. Plus, he was damn skilled at it.

He turned back to see Jensen shutting down his laptop. He waited impatiently while it was closed and then carefully put away out of the danger zone.

Jensen turned to face him, eyed him up and down, and then grinned. He threw one fist up into the air over his head and yelled, “Thundercats! Ho!” and pounced. Cougar went down in a tangle of limbs and slammed into the floor hard enough to knock the wind out of his lungs. That didn’t stop him from slamming a fist into Jensen’s ribs before arching his back to get his feet up and between them. He kicked out and sent Jensen flying into the dresser.

Quickly, Cougar scrambled to his feet and looked over to see Jensen doing the same. They grinned at each other fiercely before leaping into action again. Roughhousing with Jensen was always fun and always a challenge. Jensen had more height, more weight, more physical strength, and a longer reach. Since Cougar wasn’t looking to actually hurt him or kill him, that meant he couldn’t pull out any of his _really_ dirty sneaky moves.

A solid blow to the sternum followed by the sweep of a long leg sent Cougar tumbling while gasping for breath. He hit the floor rolling and snapped out a kick at Jensen’s knee that the other man barely dodged.

“Oooo, _nice_ one, Cougs!”

And really, it _was_ a nice release; a semi-safe way to dump some energy and aggression, to work out his body and his mind without the deadly urgency of combat pounding inside him and all around him. He could kick and punch, grab and shove, twist and brace and just revel in the fact that Jensen could not only take what he dished out, he could also serve it right back at Cougar with a gleeful grin on his face.

Then between one heartbeat and the next, he isn’t quite sure how, Cougar found himself belly down on the floor with Jensen stretched out over top of him and holding him down. Both of Cougar’s arms were stretched over his head, his wrists forced together with one of Jensen’s big hands clamped around them and holding them against the floor. Jensen’s other hand was pressed against the back of Cougar’s neck, not hurting, not squeezing….just holding his head and shoulders in place. Jensen was straddling Cougar’s hips, his weight pinning Cougar tight to the floor and making Jensen’s half-hard cock press into the crack of Cougar’s ass. Jensen’ long legs were stretched back and curled around Cougar’s legs, forcing them apart and locked into place.

The position he was in was at once both deeply sexual and highly restraining. Cougar fought being pinned and bucked to get away, but Jensen just rode the movement…rode Cougar. He was stuck and silently considered that fact for a brief moment when he realized that he didn’t actually feel trapped…he felt safe, and something in his brain just _clicked_ into place. With a soft sigh of heartfelt _relief_ he sank into the sensation and just melted into a sort of soft contentment.

Jensen stilled above him and Cougar briefly wondered if he was going to freak. For all that the blond was a kickass tech and a badass in combat, he was also young and bright and somehow naive. How could he explain his reaction to Jensen when he barely understood it himself?

“Cougar,” Jensen’s voice was quiet, rough, and unusually serious, “do you understand what it is you’re asking of me?” He pressed Cougar’s wrists tighter to the floor, gently flexed the fingers around Cougar’s neck, and shifted a tiny bit to rub his cock along Cougar’s ass. “I can take you anywhere you want or need to go, buddy, but I need the words first.”

Cougar blinked in mild surprise. Maybe Jensen wasn’t as innocent as he thought. Maybe Roque’s advice to come to him wasn’t as crazy as he’d first believed. Maybe…he’d have to see. That in mind, he relaxed even further into Jensen’s hold and tried to explain.

“I…understand. I want…” No. Not so much want as… “I need to be Carlos again. For awhile. I need to not be Cougar.”

There was a long pause while Jensen considered that. And really, Cougar couldn’t blame the man for taking a moment to puzzle over that statement. Even Cougar was aware of how crazy it made him sound.

“Why?”

Cougar didn’t expect that question, although he probably should have. He wasn’t sure if he could answer it, or if he even should. Unconsciously, he tensed and pushed back against Jensen, wanting to escape the conversation. Jensen clamped down on him and rode out his motions. The hand on Cougar’s neck slid up into his hair. A fist clenched in the strands and pulled his head back sharply, stretching his neck and exposing the underside of his chin.

“Why Cougar? I need to know if I’m gonna help you.”

He licked his lips, breathed deeply, and confessed.

“Cougar is a wound spring, a cocked hammer aimed at a firing pin, a weapon.” His eyes closed in something close to pain. “Cougar is a killer.”

“And Carlos?”

The question was a gut punch and his breath caught in his throat. The fist in his hair tightened a tiny bit when he didn’t answer right away and he shivered.

“Carlos…” his voice was a whisper of longing, “is a good boy.”

Jensen gasped softly and the fist in his hair let go and began to shift through the strands instead, gently petting him. “Yeah…yeah, he is.” It felt good to be held down and the soft words allowed his muscles to untense and relax again.

After a moment the hand in his hair left and stretched out towards his wrists. Jensen took hold of them separately, each wrist clamped tightly in one of Jensen’s big hands even as the blond leaned his chest down against Cougar’s back. He had a moment to realize that Jensen’s entire body was stretched out over him; covering him, restraining him…shielding him from the rest of the world.

Jensen nuzzled his face down into Cougar’s hair and pressed a chaste kiss behind his ear before whispering, “Carlos is a good boy, and I’d be happy to bring you to whatever spot in your mind you need to be in order to reach him…to feel your own submission.”

Cougar shuddered, a zing of fear and anticipation sizzling through the waves of relief washing through his mind and body. Jensen understood. Jensen would help. Jensen would keep him safe.

“I just need you to understand that Carlos being good does not mean that Cougar is bad.”

Cougar frowned until another chaste kiss pressed against his neck.

“Cougar is my best friend. I would die for him. I have killed for him in the past and will do so again in the future. He is a strong man, a hard man, but he is also a good man.”

Cougar made a low nonsensical noise in his throat, more an acknowledgement that Jensen had spoken than anything else as he tried to absorb what the man had said. He was fully aware that Jensen had killed for him…and had a vague understanding that he would willingly die for Cougar even if he didn’t like thinking such things. What he hadn’t been aware of was that Jensen considered him his best friend…yeah, they were friends…good friends, but he had always thought that Jensen considered Pooch his best friend. After all, the two of them were trouble buddies, often combining low tech and high tech to create some…thing…that would have the Colonel’s blood pressure up and Roque chuckling. The incident with the explosive remote control toy car leapt to mind.

The biggest issue he had was Jensen thinking that Cougar…he…was a good man. How could he think that? Didn’t he know he wasn’t just a soldier, but a ruthless killer on a leash? A weapon to be aimed?

“Shhh…it’s okay. I’ve got you.” Jensen’s voice was a low hum in his ear. The blond didn’t so much move or shift, as he simply tightened his muscles a bit and seemed to surround Cougar even further. It should have felt menacing, but it didn’t. It felt safe like he as being protected…even from his own thoughts. For several moments they just laid there, Cougar sandwiched between Jensen and the floor. He thought he probably looked ridiculous squashed under the bigger man, but it felt amazing to have Jensen’s weight pressing down on him and molding them together.

“Do you want this?” Jensen nuzzled this throat. “I need your consent before I do anything beyond this.” 

Cougar could hear the voice of his former Drill Sergeant barking in his head to stop being a candy-ass momma’s boy and toss Jensen off of him before slamming the blond into a wall. He swallowed hard, licked his lips, and purposely ignored that inner voice.

“Si,” somehow that wasn’t enough, “I want this.”

A tension he hadn’t even been aware of drained out of Jensen’s frame and Cougar felt a spark of pleasure and pride. He’d obviously done or said the right thing.

“Awesome.”

Jensen pulled his arms in close, dragging Cougar’s along with them since he didn’t let go of Cougar’s wrists. Then he pushed himself up off of Cougar’s back and onto his knees. Uncurling his legs from Cougar, he shifted back. Cougar frowned, missing the closeness and the warm weight of Jensen’s body. He didn’t have a chance to do more than make a wordless sound of loss before Jensen was pulling him up to his own knees.

Once he was up and balanced on his knees, Jensen pulled his arms down and around behind his own back. He gave a half-hearted resistance to being manhandled, but Jensen just powered through it and crossed Cougar’s wrists before clamping one big hand around them. Cougar settled down fairly quickly, a thrum of contentment washing through him as he relaxed into the hold. Then he blinked his eyes, mildly shocked at that instinctive reaction. It was the exact opposite of what he probably should do; which was yank his arms out of Jensen’s grasp and jump up and away from him. For some reason he didn’t want to.

Before he could figure it all out, Jensen shifted around to Cougar’s side and leaned slightly to be able to look at him with a mostly frontal view. Jensen’s other hand, the one not holding his wrists like a living vise, came up and gently gripped Cougar’s chin. His head was pulled up and around so that he had to look at Jensen. He jerked his head back to break Jensen’s hold, but those fingers just gripped his jaw harder as his blue eyes narrowed slightly. Cougar huffed out a breath through his nose and those fingers tightened enough to bruise. For a brief moment they had a silent battle of wills. Cougar’s mind spun, everything about being a soldier screaming at him to pull away even though he himself wanted, needed, to let go and just relax into Jensen’s grip. Cougar locked eyes with Jensen and was surprised to see a warm understanding smile instead of the hostility he had expected. It startled him enough to knock the fight right out of him and he stopped trying to pull away.

Jensen’s smile widened, “Good boy.”

He should have felt stupid being called that; stupid or insulted or patronized, but he didn’t. Instead a warm glow formed in his chest and he melted into Jensen’s hold on him, relaxing into an unexpected pleasure. He watched, fascinated as Jensen’s eyes slowly turned…hard. Not cold. Not angry. Just…hard. It was the look that he got during combat or when he was hacking a system with tough security. The look in Jensen’s eyes didn’t feel dangerous, but it did send a sizzle of excitement down his spine to take up residence in his balls.

“Just to be clear so there’s no misunderstanding,” Jensen said, “this is going to be hard on you.”

Cougar arched an eyebrow, uncertain what Jensen meant.

“I can take you where you need to go,” Jensen’s hand released his chin so he could tap Cougar’s temple. “I can do that for you, Carlos, but Cougar is going to fight against the things I’m going to do to you to make that happen.”

Cougar felt his eyes widen and he licked his bottom lip. Hearing Jensen refer to Carlos and Cougar as being separate entities just sounded crazy, but it also felt right. That’s how he thought of himself, as two people in one body; Cougar the cold-hearted killer and Carlos the good compassionate man.

“I…I won’t fight. I want this.”

Jensen smiled; his hand curling slightly to brush the backs of his fingers gently from Cougar’s temple down his cheek to his jaw. Then Jensen’s hand uncurled and cupped Cougar’s face. Unbidden, Cougar’s eyes fluttered slightly as he leaned into the soft touch.

“I know you do. Doesn’t matter. Cougar’s still gonna fight it, he won’t be able to help it. He’s too stubborn, independent, and downright dominant to do otherwise.”

Cougar’s eyebrows drew in slightly. He needed Jensen to understand that if he…if Cougar did fight this, it wasn’t because he didn’t want it…want Jensen.

“Training…it’s from training.” He licked his lips, “They wanted me to be Cougar, so I learned how to be hard and mean. To kill without remorse.”

“But Carlos still feels each and every one of Cougar’s kills…doesn’t he?” Jensen whispered even as his thumb reached up to rub along the edge of Cougar’s eye wiping away the moisture that he didn’t even realize was gathering there. “I know and that’s why I want you to pick a safe word. A word that, if you say it, I’ll stop what I’m doing no matter what.”

Cougar started to shake his head. He didn’t need or want a safe word, but Jensen was insistent.

“Yes. A safe word. It’s important because Cougar’s gonna fight. He won’t be able to help it, but as long as I don’t hear that word I’ll know to keep going. But if it gets too much; for Carlos or for Cougar, then say that word and I’ll stop. After that we can figure out what’s wrong and fix it, or just slow down. We can even stop completely if that’s what you want.”

Cougar rested back on his knees, his hands trapped behind his back and his cheek cradled in Jensen’s hand and really thought about what was on offer.

Sex.

Potentially painful and humiliating sex as Jensen bent Cougar to his will and forced him to submit. The very thought made his cock twitch and his heart speed up. He longed for that so badly he could nearly taste it.

On the other hand, he didn’t know if he could do it…not the way Jensen wanted. Cougar was, at heart, a soldier. He was trained to fight back. This whole thing was completely counter to everything he’d ever learned in all his training, especially SERE. His inner Drill Instructor was screaming that submission in any form was a terrible habit to form…one that would get him dead the next time he was captured. He was a Loser, so there was always a next time. 

He told that voice to just fuck the hell off. This was _Jensen_ asking for his submission, not some asshole bastard terrorist or drug lord. Jensen was his friend, possibly his best friend…he could trust him. Hell, he already trusted Jensen with his life; it wasn’t much of a stretch to also trust the man with his sanity and his submission.

“Sniper,” Cougar smirked at the irony that his own job was the perfect choice. “That’s my safe word.”

Apparently Jensen also enjoyed the irony because he snorted lightly and grinned at Cougar.

“Awesome.”

Then his smile faded into an expression that was both serious and sincere. “If you say the word sniper than I will stop what I’m doing and we will talk about what it is that triggered the word and fix it.”

Before he could even think to say anything, Jensen was leaning in close, a warm expression on his face. Cougar responded by leaning towards him in return, mouth opening for a kiss. Only, when Jensen’s mouth covered his own he found his bottom lip getting bitten. Hard. It hurt, but in a good way, the small spark of pain lighting up the inside of his skull with dark pleasure. Then the bite softened into a kiss that was at first possessive and dominating before it gentled into one that was nearly chaste.

“I promise you that I’ll be careful with you…not physically because you can take physical pain and make it your own, but with your mind and your heart I’ll be gentle. I’m not out to destroy Cougar…but I’ll do everything I can to free Carlos once again. ” Jensen’s lips turned up in a small smile. “I’m looking forward to getting to know him. I think I’ll like him.”


End file.
